Subject:  Room 302
Anyone who has had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this.
A woman called a local hospital –
“Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients?”
I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse.

The voice on the other end said “What is the patients name and room number?”

“Sarah Finkel, Room 302.”

“I’ll connect you to the nursing station”.

“Third floor nursing station .

How can I help you?”

“I’d like to know the condition of
Sarah Finkel in Room 302.”

“Just a moment. Let me look at her records.”

Mrs. Finkel is very well. In fact she had
two full meals, her blood pressure is fine. She is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours, and if she continues this improvement, Dr Cohen is going to send her home on Tuesday.”

The woman said “What a relief. Oh, that’s fantastic.”
That’s wonderful news”.

The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it, you are a close family member, or are you a very close friend?”

….. “Neither. I’m Sarah Finkel in Room 302. Nobody tells me NOTHING!!”…….

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.” The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,” he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are.”  
 
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75. He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently..  
 
Up to 80.  ”I want the car, too,” he continues.   85 mph. “And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”  
 
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, “Isn’t there anything you want?”  
 The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
“No, I’ve got everything I need,” she says.
“Oh, really,” he inquires, “so what have you got?”  Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. “The airbag.”  

Family

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.

The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hampton and tells her the news. The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”

She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.” The father agrees, “All right.”

He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?

Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?

Yes. What can I do for you?

I’m calling to report ’bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.
He’s hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t
quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hiddin’ it there.

Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s home. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and
leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house.

Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd . Did the Sheriff come?

Yeah!

Did they chop your firewood?

Yep!

Happy Birthday, buddy!

Rednecks know how to Git-R-Dun!

Green                                                                                                                     A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: “Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.  Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.”

This guy takes his girlfriend to her first ever football game. After the game he says “So how did ya like it?” She says “It was good, but I don’t understand why so many people fight over change. They flipped a coin in the beggining, and everybody kept saying ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Geez, it’s only 25 cents!’”